Liturgical Mysteries by Mark Schweizer (#1-12)
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Overview: Mark Schweizer is a musician, composer, author and publisher who lives in Tryon, North Carolina, with his lovely wife, Donis. In varying stages of his career, Mark has waited tables, written articles for Collegehumor.com, won opera competitions, sung oratorios, taught in college music departments, raised pot-bellied pigs and hedgehogs, directed church choirs, sung the bass solo to Beethoven’s 9th with the Atlanta Symphony, hosted a classical music radio show, taught in a seminary, sung recitals, started a regional opera company, published choral music, built a log cabin, written opera librettos, directed stage productions, helped his wife to raise their two children and has managed to remain married for 32 years.
Genre: Mystery
1. The Alto Wore Tweed
Hayden Konig is the police chief in the small Appalachian town of St. Germaine, North Carolina. His part-time job, however, is serving as the choir director and organist at St. Barnabas Episcopal Church, but he’s also determined to write the next great hard-boiled mystery novel a la Raymond Chandler — a liturgical mystery novel with no real plot, but enough bad prose to make the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest look like the Oxford University Press spring catalog.
2. The Baritone Wore Chiffon
St. Germaine’s police chief, Hayden Konig, returns in this hilarious sequel to “THE ALTO WORE TWEED.” He’s beginning to write his second Chandler-style who-dun-it (an effort that is not going as well as he might wish), when he’s called to England to help solve a murder at Yorkminster.
3. The Tenor Wore Tapshoes
Hayden Konig leads a charmed life. He’s rich, he loves his full-time job as Police Chief in the little mountain town of St. Germaine, NC, as well as his part-time employment as the organist and choirmaster at St. Barnabas Episcopal Church. He’s also working on his third detective story and is convinced that purchasing Raymond Chandler’s typewriter and using it to compose his opus will impart some magic to his demented prose. He couldn’t be more mistaken.
4. The Soprano Wore Falsettos
Detective Hayden Konig is a success in anyone’s book. He has a job that he loves as Chief of Police in the small Appalachian town of St. Germaine, North Carolina. He’s employed as the part-time organist and choirmaster at St. Barnabas Church. He’s just proposed to his sweetheart, Meg Farthing, and, to top it all off, he’s as rich as a televangelist with his own 900 number. In spite of all his apparent success, Hayden Konig’s life-long dream is yet to be realized. He longs to write the next great hard-boiled mystery. Though his past attempts have been less than impressive, Hayden is convinced that using Raymond Chandler’s actual typewriter (purchased at an auction) is just the impetus his writing needs to push his detective story over the top. Unfortunately, he’s dead wrong. St. Barnabas, meanwhile, has come into a great deal of money—$16 million, to be exact, and the members of the congregation all have ideas on how to spend it. Suddenly, a shot rang out! A woman screamed, and Detective Konig has another dead body in the choir loft. It’s business as usual in St. Germaine. With Easter right around the corner and suspects galore, Hayden must find the murderer. Can things get any worse?
5. The Bass Wore Scales
For Detective Hayden Konig, things are going well. He enjoys his two jobs, he’s independently wealthy, his girlfriend has agreed not to marry him, and no one has been killed in St. Germaine since Palm Sunday. In spite of all this success, Hayden has one more dream to realize—he longs to be a writer. As the organist and choir director of St. Barnabas Episcopal Church, he takes every opportunity to inflict his attempts at hard-boiled, musical detective stories on the choir, and to boost his credibility, he’s even purchased Raymond Chandler’s actual typewriter. It doesn’t help. Summers in North Carolina are usually peaceful, but when Kokomo, the world-famous signing gorilla, comes to town, suddenly there’s a dead body in the church, and all the evidence points to the great ape. Can Hayden figure out the mystery in time to save Kokomo?
6. The Mezzo Wore Mink
Detective Hayden Konig is living the dream. He’s rich, he loves his work, and his girlfriend is prettier than a Holiday Gift Basket full of smoked oysters. Still, Hayden’s not a man to rest on his laurels. His mission is clear—he will be a writer—not just a writer, but a hard-boiled, noir detective wordsmith worthy of Raymond Chandler’s typewriter. He has to. He owns it. Autumn in St. Germaine, North Carolina, is an enchanting time of year. But throw in two murders, an election, a Christian nudist camp, and St. Barnabas’ answer to the local Baptist church’s annual Singing Christmas Tree—the first-ever performance of The Living Gobbler—and things are bound to become complicated.
7. The Diva Wore Diamonds
Detective Hayden Konig has a great job in the little village of St. Germaine, North Carolina. He has a fulfilling avocation as a choir director, friends, the respect of his peers, a house in the woods, a dog, a few guns, a 1962 pick-up truck, and more money than he can stuff into a feather-tick mattress. In short, he is living the Appalachian Dream. In spite of his prosperity and good fortune, he still has one ambition left to realize–that of becoming a hard-boiled, crime writer. To further that goal, he’s spared no expense in buying Raymond Chandler’s typewriter, his hat, and innumerable Cuban cigars. It doesn’t help. St. Barnabas Day is reason for celebration! The new, rebuilt church has risen like an angel food souffle and is playing host to parishioners and dignitaries alike, but when a time capsule from 1900 is opened during the festivities, the discovery throws the whole town into a tither. Toss in a murder, a Prayer Vigil that goes horribly wrong, the return of Brother Hog, Bible School terrorists, and a Children’s Choir performance of an unknown Henry Purcell masterpiece, and St. Barnabas Episcopal Church will never be the same.
8. The Organist Wore Pumps
Police chief Hayden Konig is a lucky man. He s wealthy, he enjoys his work, and lives in the quaintest, most picturesque town in the North Carolina mountains. With all this going for him, you d think he’d be satisfied. He’s not. He longs to be a writer, a hard-boiled, noir detective word-slinger worthy of the 1939 Underwood No. 5 sitting on his desk, a typewriter once owned by Raymond Chandler. You’d think a machine like this would help. It doesn’t. As a detective, Chief Konig is at the top of his game. As the organist at St. Barnabas Episcopal Church, he can play with the best of them. But as a writer, Hayden produces more bad prose than the St. Germaine Garden Club’s annual poetry review. What do the bones of an ancient king, a scoodle of skunks, a farm auction, the best Christmas parade ever, and an obnoxious deacon have to do with the dead body floating in Lake Tannenbaum? Maybe nothing. Maybe everything. It’s up to Hayden to pull all the clues together like two cousins in a Kentucky hayloft. After all, Epiphany is right around the corner!
9. The Countertenor Wore Garlic
Hayden Konig is the Chief of Police in St. Germaine, North Carolina. He has been the chief for nineteen years. As a detective, he’s first rate. As the organist at St. Barnabas Church, he’s one of the best ivory jockeys in the county. He’s fabulously rich, but he wants to be a hard-boiled, noir, crime writer. Undeterred by what his audience calls a "conspicuous lack of talent," Hayden Konig has purchased Raymond Chandler’s typewriter in a desperate bid to channel some of the master’s wordcraft. It doesn’t help. Vicar Fearghus McTavish is a Calvinist Anglican priest with strict Scottish Presbyterian leanings, not exactly the perfect interim priest for St. Barnabas. So when the church participates in the town Halloween carnival, it’s only a matter of time before something goes terribly wrong.
10. The Christmas Cantata
St. Germaine, North Carolina, was in a crabby mood. If a temperament could affect an entire populace, "crabby" was what St. Germaine was. Noylene’s new personal Christian astrologer, a woman named Goldi Fawn Birtwhistle, blamed it on the convergence of Pluto and the third moon of Jupiter. Pete Moss, the owner of the Slab Café, thought that the crabbiness might have something to do with the increasing levels of positive ion bombardment from outer space. Also included in Pete’s theory were sunspots, an ever-widening hole in the ozone layer, the federal deficit, CNN election coverage, armadillo migration, and the cancellation of two long-running soap operas. When a long-lost cantata is found in the basement of the courthouse, a Christmas Eve performance is the order of the day. What happens next is anyone’s guess.
11. The Treble Wore Trouble
Police Chief Hayden Konig is right at home in his little mountain town of St. Germaine, North Carolina. As a detective, he’s first rate. As the organist and choir director at St. Barnabas Church, he is par excellence. But as a crime writer, he’s a far cry from his hard-boiled hero, Raymond Chandler. Still, he is not deterred. Why should he be? He owns Mr. Chandler’s typewriter. It’s Ash Wednesday, and with the season of Lent and St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, it seems the perfect time for the new Lutheran-pastor-turned-Episcopal-priest to put her own stamp on the worship style of St. Barnabas. After all, what could possibly go wrong? With a dead body and a kidnapping to sort out, Hayden doesn’t have much time to worry about the Reverend Rosemary Pepperpot-Cohosh. Maybe he should.
12. The Cantor Wore Crinolines
Hayden Konig has always been lucky. As a detective, he’s top-notch. As the organist at St. Barnabas Church, he’s been tickling the ivories for close to twenty years. He’s rich, his wife is the best looking woman in three counties, he lives in a big cabin in the woods—he has a dog, a gun, a CD collection, and a truck. Yet he is not content. He has one dream left to realize. He longs to be a noir detective writer like his hero, Raymond Chandler. In a desperate attempt to channel some of the master’s wordplay, Hayden has purchased Mr. Chandler’s old typewriter—a 1939 Underwood No. 5. It doesn’t help. Even as Hayden works on his new opus, he must deal with other, more pressing problems. Groundhog Day isn’t usually a liturgical holiday, but when the new Anglo-Catholic priest decides that a Candlemas Evensong on February 2nd is in order, what can the choir do but comply? As "St. Groundelmas" approaches, three dead bodies turn up, and the clues point to a trashy murder mystery being read by the Blue Hill Bookworms. Will the St. Germaine PD get everything wrapped up before the groundhog sees his shadow?
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