Brian Helsing: The World’s Unlikeliest Vampire Hunter series by Gareth K Pengelly (#1-5,7,9-10)
Requirements: ePUB Reader, 2.3 MB
Overview: A self-confessed nerd of the highest order, Gaz (he’s only called Gareth when he’s in trouble), when not playing video games, painting Warhammer, or working on his latest novel, can often be found blitzing about the British countryside on a clapped-out Kawasaki sport bike.
Genre: Fantasy
Mission #1: Just Try Not To Die
When Helsing XII, the latest in the long and illustrious line of brave demon-hunters dies in combat, no-one would have expected his ring of power to be handed down to an idiot.
Least of all said idiot; Brian Trelawney, the most hapless car salesman in the whole of Cornwall.
With no redeeming features bar his towering height, Brian finds himself thrust into a strange and often terrifying world of vampires, banshees and all other Things That Go Bump In The Night. Trained, after a fashion, by the eccentric Masters, and equipped with strange weapons, Brian is sent into battle as the unwitting savior of mankind.
Accompanied by his friend Neil, a man oddly enough far more appropriate for the role of Helsing, Brian must bumble his way through his first mission; placating a terrifying banshee whose keening wailing is keeping the residents of Bodmin from their beauty sleep.
Mission #2: Surf’s Up
Brian Helsing, the world’s most unlikely vampire hunter, finds himself thrust once more into the strange and terrifying world of things that go bump in the night.
This time, the insane surfers who dare brave the wintry Cornish seas find themselves on the menu as they’re hunted by Water Nymphs; sleek, lethal and ridiculously sexy predators of the ocean, who hanker for man-flesh and not in a good way.
Armed with new skills, Brian must bumble his way through another mission for which he is hilariously ill-prepared if he is to stop their feeding frenzy before it even begins. Before long, he finds himself questioning the wisdom of his eccentric masters. And wondering whether the line between good and evil is truly blurred… or whether it’s just the five pints of Doom Bar he’s already had to drink.
Mission #3: Howlin’ Mad
On the surface of it, things appear to be going swimmingly for Brian. A million pounds in the bank, a muscle car on the drive, and a ten-out-of-ten girlfriend on his arm. He was even beginning to get the hang of his newfound magical powers.
Yet why did it all feel like a precariously stacked house of cards just waiting to come tumbling down?
Well, his girlfriend and Gertie, his cute-yet-deadly Master of Combat, were starting to get close. Too close, if anything. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a cause for concern for most men, rather the opposite in fact. However, it just so happened that his girlfriend, Scylla, was, unbeknownst to anyone but Brian, a Water Nymph. And Gertie was the person in charge of training Brian in the art of bringing such creatures to justice. Usually by way of decapitation via magically flaming sword.
So there was that.
Also, reports of werewolves had started to come in, and in never-changing arse-end of England that was Cornwall, eight-foot, fur-clad killing machines didn’t tend to go unnoticed, which meant that Brian would have to get his Helsing on, once more.
But when Brian, Scylla and his perpetually annoying best friend Neil venture forth on their most dangerous mission yet, it doesn’t go according to plan. But then, life never does for Brian. You see, werewolves it turns out are actually pretty damn likeable. And there’s also the small matter of a vengeance-thirsting vampiress on the loose, intent on meddling at every turn.
As everyone is so keen to point out, Brian despite his progress still has a lot to learn. Yet by the end of this latest mission, perhaps he may have learned a little too much about what it means to truly be Helsing.
Mission #4: Land Of The Rising Damp
Several months have passed since a cruel twist of fate landed Brian with the mantle of Helsing; the Hunter of all Things That Go Bump In The Night. His reputation as a buffoon – albeit, a strangely effective one – has spread far and wide. Therefore it comes as no surprise when the Japanese Oni-Hunters call for his aid.
Well, it does to Brian, but then, most things do.
A Kappa, an invulnerable, bowl-headed, turtle-demon has been causing havoc in Tokyo. With its immense strength, razor claws and off-puttingly green skin, only an idiot would dare stand between the creature and its would-be victims.
You see where we’re going with this.
Leaving his girlfriend, Scylla, in the worryingly enthusiastic care of Gertie, Brian journeys to that far-flung land of Eastern Mystery, looking forward to ninjas, manga stores, and possibly even some pretty girls in skimpy cosplay outfits. Well, all of that he finds, and more, but before long Brian finds that sometimes even the many and varied powers of a Helsing aren’t enough to win the day. Sometimes it takes brains, courage, and a bit of thinking on your feet.
Mission #5: The Wicked Witch of the North
Scotland: Land of Haggis and Sideways Rain.
Not that he’s ever been there before, but Brian isn’t the type to let a lack of expertise stop him from making sweeping generalisations.
What he does know about Scotland, however, is that there’s a witch on the prowl. A baby-eating one, in fact, which on the Brian Scale Of Supernatural Nastiness ranks a pretty high 7.5/10.
With his girlfriend having left him for the arms of another woman, and his best mate Neil seemingly dead-set on throwing himself into harm’s way at every available opportunity, Brian has no choice but to charge headlong into this latest mission with all his customary lack of skill and bumbling idiocy.
Fresh hellish training at Heimlich’s hands, to prepare him for the possibility of magical combat. Fresh advice from the long dead XII.
And the fresh realisation that yet another mission is clearly going to go tits up, right from the off.
Red-haired, blue-skinned beauties who are not what they first appear. Psychopathic nuns with unsavoury habits. People who insist upon shouting at him in incomprehensible Scottish. Square sausages. Demons of his past conflicting with his duties of the present.
And the dawning knowledge that Brian, despite all his failings, is actually starting to change, and become more like his Helsing forebears than he would have ever thought possible.
Mission #7: Cirque du Vampire
Ravioli’s Circus is coming to town! Yay! But it’s a circus of bloodthirsty vampires! Boo!
Big Top means Big Trouble when Brian learns that the Carnivale has set up shop right outside of Penzance. A mysterious organisation of vampires and other nocturnal ne’er do wells who, once a decade, travel for a year, donning clown clothes and riding unicycles, all in the name of entertainment, the Carnivale is usually a hallowed place, a neutral ground, where Helsings don’t hunt on the proviso that said vampires don’t hunt either.
But the fragile peace is shattered, when Brian learns that one of the mysterious Artefacts needed to stop Cthulu’s awakening lies in the possession of the Ringmaster himself.
And so, our brave – if reluctant -adventurer runs off to join the circus, donning his greasepaint in a bid to sneak into this nest of evil and steal the Artefact from right under Ravioli’s nose.
Mission #9: Devil Down Under
The problem with apocalypses, is you wait ten thousand years for one, then two come along at once…
When a satanic cultist infiltrates the Sanctum, restoring one of the Order’s ancient enemies to life, Brian is called in to save the day. Again. The problem is, he’s pretty damned hungover. Again.
But with the demon Hell-bent (aha!) on summoning the rest of his infernal compadres to Earth, and the cultist having stolen one of the Artefacts necessary for halting Cthulu’s awakening, Brian has no choice but to traipse halfway around the planet to sunny Down Under.
But how do you kill a huge, immortal demon, when it’s camped out miles away from the nearest Ley Lines?
Easy: take one super-fandago magic sword (with vague properties including but not exclusively slicing things to itty bitty bits), one overweight vampire who can’t fly, an Aboriginal Medicine Man with a farm of Definitely Only Sheep, and add one well-thought-out plan.
Ah. Knew we forgot something.
Join Brian as he beats up Bogans (whatever they are), takes a Walkabout through the Dreamtime (whatever that is) and stops by the Servo to buy some Tinnies whilst he watches the Rugger that Arvo… Really, Aussies? In what way, shape or form is that English?
Mission #10: The Mountains of Crapness
To poor Brian, however, that dread and difficult-to-pronounce name means only one thing: time to pack his boxer shorts and novelty-size travel toothpaste, next stop – Antarctica!
With the time fast approaching of the tentacle-faced Old One’s awakening, the race is on to reach the Temple buried deep within the frigid wastes of the South Pole, ready to unleash the power of the gathered Artefacts and hit that squid-god’s snooze button. Because should Cthulu awaken… well. Bad things will likely happen. Like, y’know… really bad things. Remember how much it hurt when you woke up desperate for a pee the other night, then managed to stub your big toe on the bed frame as you stumbled to the bathroom in the dark? Worse than that. Yeah.
Nightmarish trials await within the dank, dark depths, with dangerous lunatics abounding at every turn; fairies, vampires, homosexual German athletes and foul-mouthed Aborigines, all doing their best to confound Brian at every given opportunity – and that’s just his allies!
Will Brian AVOID soiling his kecks as the eldritch horrors of the Temple do their gribbly best to loosen his bowels? Will Friedrick ever stop drinking long enough to build something that WON’T blow up in Brian’s face? And precisely HOW does Heimlich keep his head so shiny and smooth? The answers to two out of three of these questions are waiting for you within.
Oh – and also, will they prevent the end of the world? The eleventh book is coming out soon, so one would better bloody hope so…
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